Poem // Disconnected

Disconnected Boisterous laughs, music from an iPhoneand the different tonesof multiple, overlapping conversations swirlaround. They penetrate me to my core,tensing my gut,feet shakingand eyes staring deeplyat I don't know what. Everyone surrounding is engaged,present,yet I feel lost,miles awayyet trapped. Unable to move,to smile, to laugh,I sit stoicallyuntil my attention is jerkedback to the presentby a … Continue reading Poem // Disconnected

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So… Hospital Again

Mental illness isn't always predictable (or is it ever, really?) and sometimes it seems to make no sense at all. I live rent-free with family, I have loving family and friends, I have a new job (part-time) that I actually enjoy, working with people I actually like, and I have stable, consistent work hours.  So, … Continue reading So… Hospital Again

Why Steroids Are Bad For Me

So... my last post. I was kind of in a dark place, thinking about if I wanted to die, but ultimately ending with the line that I would be there tomorrow, so I guess it kind of ended on a positive note...?  *sigh* See, my therapist, PCP, and psychiatrist all told me that steroids could … Continue reading Why Steroids Are Bad For Me

Trigger Warning: Do I Want to Die?

I feel so lost.  I don't understand so many things. Like, for instance, why does the thought of going to work tomorrow make me want to grab my pill bottle and take everything?  Do I want to die?  I don't think so. Yet those urges are strong. I can visualize myself taking the medication, then … Continue reading Trigger Warning: Do I Want to Die?

Hospitalization… the Right Choice for Me

So, for those who read my last two posts, it's clear that I have been struggling. Starting on August 5th, so almost a month ago, I began having urges to take all my medication in an attempt to overdose. I wouldn't say I was suicidal, per se, because I didn't really want to die. I … Continue reading Hospitalization… the Right Choice for Me

I Didn’t Want to Write this Post…

I could have written part of this post a week and a half ago, on August 5th, when the suicidal thoughts and urges came back. I hoped it was a one-day thing. That it would go away. And I was really shaken up about it so I decided to wait. Writing about it would make … Continue reading I Didn’t Want to Write this Post…

Three Years!

Today, March 28th, 2018, marks three years since I've stopped cutting. Last year I celebrated on March 27th, but then I realized that March 27th, 2015 was the last day that I actually cut. So, I wanted to celebrate the three year mark of when I stopped. So, March 28th. It has been such a struggle … Continue reading Three Years!