Poem // Buried Deep

Buried Deep

I couldn’t face you
so I smiled instead.

I created a cage
to hold you:
darkened steel,
dinged and battered
from your furious assault
and efforts to crawl up,
out of my body
to see the light of day—
escape.

Feral snarls and growls
echoed from your many mouths,
your innumerable faces screwed up in torment,
a twister of unwanted, unrecognized,
denied emotions.

My throat constricted,
tightened and pained in my effort to keep you
contained.

Your voice was muted
behind my laughs,
your grimaces and tears
masked by grins.

I ran from you for so long
that I lost myself.
Happiness dissolved
into a mere idea
which faded into an unattainable ideal.

Denying you hollowed me out,
left me numb,
unable to feel.

Years of running became years of searching.
Friendly faces offered guidance
and finally I found a key,
dark and rusted from lack of use.

I approached your prison,
coming face-to-face with you at long last.
I involuntarily took a step back.
Fingers trembled,
heart raced,
breaths came rapidly,
and I longed to flee,
to escape from your chaotic existence.

The key didn’t turn easily.
Metal screeched on metal
but I set you free.

Your sudden onslaught
overwhelmed my senses.
Screaming internally, everything
started to fade to black.
I thought you were crushing me,
destroying the fiber of my being,
but sometimes life is a necessary pain.

Time lost all meaning,
passed in a blur
until sunlight started breaking through.

Clarity returned,
colors and lines gaining vibrancy
and definition.

Finally I was able to embrace you
and I found I knew your names.

Anger.
Sadness.
Guilt.
Pain.

You became familiar and I learned
to call you friends
and you reintroduced me to
genuine smiles and laughter.

© Avid Journaler 2018

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