Cue the Disapproval and Disappointment

I wrote the title for this post last night when I was exhausted from sobbing and trying to understand why I can’t seem to just be okay and be able to work. I was called in to work yesterday from 6pm-close, which meant I’d probably get home around 10:45pm. My anxiety was the highest it’s been in a long time. My hands were shaking so badly that I could barely do my job and I was sent on break 30 minutes after getting there so I could try to feel better enough to keep working. I called my therapist and did some deep breathing and rethinking exercises and was able to get my anxiety back down and finish my shift.

But guys, that anxiety was horrible. I can’t even begin to describe it. And then I started thinking about how I was scheduled to work today and when I got home I was just in tears, over and over again.

I made a decision today that I didn’t think I’d be able to go to my shift this evening and, after thinking about it a lot, I realized I don’t feel capable of working right now. At least not at a fast food job that’s only going to get busier now that summer is almost here.

I was ready to quit.

Instead, I went and talked to my manager. I explained that I am struggling with mental illness (Major depression, bipolar, etc.) and that I didn’t anticipate it being a problem when I first started working but that it is a problem now. Potentially with medicine or something else. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist set up for mid-May and I wasn’t sure if it was possible to just take a few weeks off or if I needed to quit. My manager surprised me by saying it was up to me. So I’m taking a few weeks off and I’ll contact him after my appointment when I have a clearer understanding of what I can do.

I may still quit. It all depends on how I’m feeling and what I’m capable of.

I was nervous about writing this post. There are some people that might be disappointed in me or that might disapprove of what I’m doing. But my only response is that I feel I am doing what is best for my health. And I am not going to apologize for that. ❤

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