Since Sunday my days have been more good than bad. Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday all fell into the category of what I would call good days. I was feeling positive, happy even, and was being really productive. Tuesday was an off day and then today happened. I woke up exhausted, didn’t know what to do with myself and, within two hours of waking up, went back to sleep for a couple of hours. It’s been painful. I had to force myself to even get out of bed, mainly because I promised my grandma I would take the Christmas tree down today (why our Christmas tree is still up in March is another story). I did it but today everything felt like a massive struggle.
I used my skills. I listened to some Mindfulness videos on YouTube, which were mildly helpful. I made sure I ate. I journaled. I added some pleasant events in purposefully in the form of watching some Buffy the Vampire Slayer and painting. I tried reaching out to various people to talk, with less success.
I’ve been near tears all day and I’m left with the conclusion that today feels so difficult perhaps because the last couple of days and most of my last week were so great. It seems counter-intuitive, I know. I don’t know if it’s even true. But if feels true. It feels like I was getting a taste of what “normal” or “bearable” life could be like and then it’s like my mental illness says, “Just kidding! Sucks to be you! Now back to feeling miserable. Back to feeling unmotivated and exhausted all the time.”
I’m not going to lie. I feel a bit defeated right now. But I’m going to keep on fighting, keep on trying to do my best, keep on living.