Ending a Friendship

It can really suck when a friendship comes to an end. It’s not always our choice. Sometimes it’s the choice of the person that was our friend or who we thought was our friend. It usually hurts. Especially when it’s not our choice.

I have a friend that I was so close to. She knew virtually everything about me and my life, including my struggles with self harm and depression. She was the person that told me, “I’ll never be disappointed in you.” She was the first person I called when something was bothering me or when I was excited about something.

Then, just under a year ago, she stopped talking to me. It was sudden. She stopped answering calls, texts, Facebook messages, etc. I even tried writing her an actual letter. Maybe I went a bit overboard, but I was forced to admit (after a long time) that she just didn’t want to talk to me.

It hurt so much. I can’t describe it really. I didn’t understand. Had I done something wrong? Said something? Forgotten something? Or was it her? Was her depression acting up? Was she isolating?

I didn’t want to be the one to give up on our friendship, because what if she wants to be my friend again someday and talk? What if it was her and not me?

My depression being what it is (and my propensity for catastrophizing a situation), I half-convinced myself at one point that maybe something had happened and she was kidnapped and couldn’t reach out and her social media was only being updated by her kidnapper… Like I said, I tend to catastrophize. But I knew that wasn’t real, it was just my brain thinking up worst-case scenarios.

After 6ish months of hearing nothing, I unfollowed her on social media. I realized it was too painful to see her posting online yet not responding to me. Then, yesterday, after like 10ish months since she stopped talking to me, I unfriended her on Facebook. It might seem like no big deal, but it was hard.

I had to realize that I’m worth more than the agony I was putting myself through. I was holding onto denial, that maybe it will be okay, that she didn’t mean it. So I took that step. It’s taken me this long to realize that that particular friendship ended. It wasn’t my choice. It was painful. And it was real.

And something my sister told me: Just because that friendship ended, it doesn’t mean that everything I gained from that friendship is negated.

 

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