Baby Steps, Carry Me Forward

I moved in with my godparents a few months ago but since taking a 2 week medical leave from work and quitting my job I haven’t been home. I have been basically bouncing between different houses, namely my oldest sister’s and my grandma’s. I don’t know why I haven’t gone back but I’ve been trying to figure things out about me and life in general.

My depression has been hitting me over the head. I was having passive suicidal thoughts and strong self-harm urges for a while, which were making me miserable and exhausted from the effort of fighting against them. My latest psychiatry appointment this past Wednesday yielded medication adjustments, namely taking all my Lithium at night instead of splitting it up and increasing my Abilify to 5mg. All of this in combination with the meds I’m already on.

Maybe it’s the medication adjustment, maybe the fact that I quit my job, maybe the fact that my twin was in town this weekend (and I’m currently at her place), or maybe a combination of everything, but I’ve been feeling a bit better the last few days. No suicidal thoughts, very few and low-intensity self-harm thoughts, and I’ve been feeling like the days are more bearable. There’s still a long way to go. I’m still sleeping 12 hours at night and napping multiple hours during the day, my eating is regulated, and I find it hard to concentrate on any one thing for longer than an hour … but I realize that I am taking steps forward. They seem like baby steps but they are oh so important. No suicidal thoughts. Fewer self-harm urges and thoughts. Those things are not to be taken for granted!

I only hope that these baby steps of mine, along with a lot of hard work and skills, keep moving me forward. I think they will.

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