I have conversations in my head with family members all the time. Not like hearing voices, but imagining scenarios (oftentimes catastrophizing scenarios) in which I lash out or say how I’m really feeling.
Like a few minutes ago.
I’ve been feeling… off… for hours now. For a while my art was distracting me, but not anymore. I was lonely but when people got home I found that everything they were doing was pissing me off. But I wanted to spend time with my sister and her girlfriend but I know that when my sister gets home from work she likes to just hang out alone in her room and relax with her girlfriend. My sister and I were standing in the hallway and I was trying to build up to asking to hang out, all the while thinking that she’d say no anyway, when she got distracted, ran in the other room, and started talking to her girlfriend.
I know my emotions are heightened right now, but I’m hurt and angry. I want to do things with people and want to be left alone all at the same time. Sitting here on my bed I imagined a conversation where I lashed out at my sister, saying, “If you don’t want to spend time with me, fine. Just say so. I’m sick of you saying, ‘Later, later,’ and nothing happening.” In my mind she starts tearing up (which is probably what would actually happen) and I go, “Great. I’m making you cry. Well, I guess I’m just a bitch underneath it all, aren’t I?” Then she bursts into tears and I storm out of the room.
I know I wouldn’t really say those things. I don’t even really want to say those things. But these are the scenarios and conversations that pop into my head. Especially when I feel hurt. Or angry. Or depressed.
I know I am a kind person at my core. I like doing things for others and making them smile. I like improving peoples’ days whenever and however I can. But thoughts like these really get to me and make me question those good qualities.
Struggling and trying to see the good in me,