I went to work yesterday.
For a lot of people, there’s nothing extraordinary about that statement. But for me, going to work yesterday, it seems incredible. When I went to bed the previous night I was calm, but I had been struggling for the hours preceding laying down to go to sleep. Only through the use of skills I learned, and am continuing to learn, in therapy did I manage to attain a state of calm before sleep.
Then came the nightmare.
A twisting nightmare filled with labyrinthine buildings, me trying to find my therapist, and realizing I was having a break from reality. I was unable to find my therapist. I was unable to find reality.
Then came waking up multiple times throughout the night.
First I would think, “I cannot go to work today. I can’t do it. I can’t handle it.” And then I would use Effective Rethinking and think, “I’m struggling right now and I can handle it … so … relax” and “I can handle going to work … so … relax.”. Then I’d fall back asleep, wake up 30 minutes late and go through the process again.
Then came waking up at 4:50am, calling my twin in tears, and sobbing that I’m so unhappy and I can’t imagine going to work.
In some ways I felt like I was in college, struggling and failing to go to classes. I reminded myself that I’m not in college, the situation is different, and I’m different. I felt so depressed. Sad, scared, overwhelmed, and wanting to give up. I talked to my amazing twin, called a co-worker/potential new friend for advice, and finally at 5:40am, decided to go to work. My co-worker picked me up 10 minutes later.
Looking back, I know I had vulnerabilities.
- Disrupted sleep
- Missing my Deplin prescription for over 24 hours (pharmacy mess up)
- Feeling emotionally volatile recently
I’m amazed that I went to work. Part of me wants to say, “I have no idea how I did that!” It’s a way of expressing surprise and the level of difficulty I was experiencing. But let me take a second to be clear.
I know how I did it.
I worked so hard, reached out for support, and used a lot of skills (Effective Rethinking, Cheerleading, Checking the Facts, and Opposite Action). In owning that I am allowing myself to feel so proud of what I accomplished.
And I am.