I have a part-time job.
One of the job interviews I rescheduled offered me the job. It’s part-time, minimum wage at a fast food restaurant and I have had a lot of emotions about it. I’ve been nervous, scared, overwhelmed, and excited.
Part of those emotions are to be expected with a new job and, in my case, a first job. Part of the emotions, the fear and feeling of being overwhelmed, were exacerbated by my depression. I would find myself occasionally slipping into apathy, into the “I don’t give a shit and I’m not going to go” frame of mind.
That’s why, yesterday, I called my therapist and asked if I could come in that day, especially since my first day (with training) was this morning from 7am-10am. Thankfully my therapist was able to fit me in and I went in to see her yesterday. After I expressed how I had been feeling, using phrases like, “I felt like I was right back in college again with my depression and not wanting to go to class and the apathy” my therapist asked me, “Do you know how you’re fighting reality right now?”
I said, “No, I have no idea.”
She pointed out that I was looking to the past, putting myself in the past. I am not the same person I was back then when I didn’t go to class. My experience with depression is not the same right now. It is a different situation.
Realizing that and rephrasing things to be like this: “This reminds me of the past in college AND it is not the same situation. I am not the same” was super helpful! It helped put me in a healthier frame of mind. Every time I started feeling very overwhelmed and saying it was the same, I would try to catch myself and rephrase everything, using positive self-talk instead of negative.
So, did I go to my training/job at 7am? (Which, by the way, feels absurdly early to me since I haven’t had to do that since college.)
Yes. I did.
I woke up at 5:30AM! Training was on the job and at first I was really overwhelmed. I was working the cash register and, since my memory is not very good at all, I had to ask customers to slow down or repeat their order for me often. Luckily, everyone was super nice, including the customers! I was only there for 3 hours, but the owner asked me to come in tomorrow for some more hours so tomorrow I am going in at 6AM. .Whew! That’s so early!
I cannot overemphasize the importance of great shoes!!! I bought new shoes yesterday for work, slip resistant and black, and they have memory foam insoles. Thank goodness for them. My feet have a tendency to get really sore when standing or walking on hard floors and, without those shoes today, I think I would have been in a lot of pain. As it is, I’m sore, but I still feel really good about it!!!
So that’s my update. I worked, napped, and am trying not to get too nervous about working again tomorrow.
This is going to be a work in progress. Even though I had a good time today, my depression is telling me that this is not what I really want. I am starting to feel overwhelmed are scared, and I am trying to really not fall into apathy. I just need to continue with positive self-talk, relaxation techniques, and fact-checking!
Wish me luck!