I ran away from life today a bit.
I was supposed to have two job interviews today, one at 10:00am and the other at 2:00pm. If you read my last post, you know that last night (and most of yesterday) was really difficult for me. I woke up several times throughout the night and every time was feeling less and less … connected. I didn’t care and had no intention of getting up at 8:30 in the morning to shower and get ready for an interview. Nope.
So, around 8am, when I woke up because of restlessness, I called the place of my first interview, told them I woke up feeling ill and could I please reschedule the interview. The woman I talked to seemed nice enough and agreed to let me come in another day.
Then I went back to sleep.
Around 11am I briefly woke up again; this time I called the place of my second interview, repeated the spiel, and rescheduled that interview.
I went back to sleep.
I just didn’t care. I am proud of one thing though. Instead of simply not showing up or calling but not rescheduling, I called beforehand and rescheduled my interviews. What struck me the most is the fact that I had to say I felt “ill.” I use ill in quotations because, although it’s true, most of the world would not acknowledge that. I was feeling ill mentally: really depressed, falling into apathy. But most of the time people only care about physical illness. And although me saying I felt ill was not a lie, to me (to whom honesty is paramount) it felt a bit like one. Like subterfuge. I hate that that is the case. But had I said, “I’m feeling really depressed and can’t make the interview” my application would have been tossed aside, shredded, burned, whatever. But now I have one interview tomorrow at noon and one on Sunday at 10:30am. I’m not excited. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to do anything. I want to run away forever. But I will try to go. I will try to do things. I will try to stand my ground.