I’m Getting What I Want and Now I’m a Little Scared

So, when thinking about going into my psychiatry appointment today, I knew that I definitely wanted to have my medication adjusted. I felt that way during my last appointment (back in September) but I was so tired, emotionally and physically, that I backed down from my suggestion when my psychiatrist mentioned that a lot of my depression seemed to be stemming from environmental factors. So, almost 2 months later, I have decided that I am not backing down. I need a change. I did change a lot in my environment: I moved out of where I was living and into my godparents’ house; I applied to some jobs; I worked on a lot of poetry for submission to a competition. And yet, I still feel… miserable. On several days I had suicidal ideations; I had strong self-harm urges; I’ve barely had an appetite; I’ve been sleeping 12 hours a night; few things are enjoyable. Goodness! So, going into this appointment, I knew I needed something different.

Walking into the appointment I made sure I said everything I needed to. I have had way more bad days than good; the appetite; the eating; the sleeping; anxiety; hot flashes; etc. I also made sure to illustrate the good things that went on: my birthday celebration with my twin and other sisters was lovely – a bubble of happiness for a few days; my poetry edits coming along; etc. After conveying everything, my psychiatrist mentioned switching up some meds. I was relieved but suddenly very nervous. A med change always makes me nervous. Lowering lithium carbonate, halving trazodone, stepping down off of effexor, and introducing a new medication I’ve never heard of before. Wow, that’s a lot!

So nerves are definitely setting in. But I so hope that maybe this will help. When things start feeling hopeless and I start feeling helpless, a change can be so helpful. A new sprout of hope is starting to grow – I hope it flourishes.



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