Thinking of a Title Takes Too Much Effort

It’s been 2 1/2 weeks since my last post but it feels like a lifetime. Honestly, I had to go back and look to even remember what that post was about. I feel like using a bunch of metaphors to try and describe how I’ve been feeling.

  1. A cloud of mist and fog has descended around me, obscuring my vision and making me unsure of my footing.
  2. A thousand knives are inside my body, pointing outward in an agonizing effort to escape, to show the world the pain I am in.
  3. My head is filled with cotton, inhibiting my ability to think quickly or make decisions.

Blah, blah, something, something…

Honestly, the motivation to even write this post is hard-sought. (I don’t know if that’s the right way to use that phrase. I guess I’ll find out.)

Well, I moved out this past Sunday. I moved in with my godparents. There were a lot of reasons for moving, including just wanting to live somewhere else. I’ll be within walking distance to more job opportunities. Some environmental factors that were distressing are now something that I do not have to worry about. All good things.

Before deciding to move, I was feeling horrible. Depressed, angry, sad – basically, in pain. Then for the couple days after making my decision and a couple days after moving I was feeling cautiously good and optimistic. But now (for the last few days) I am back to being in a lot of emotional pain. I’m lonely, sad, angry, hopeless, apathetic, and more. I just want to sink into the ground or my bed and disappear. But I keep trying. I’m writing here. I’m making myself eat. I’m trying to go through the motions of being well while still trying harder.

It’s exhausting.

So what’s the point of this post? Maybe it’s my effort to feel less lonely. Of reaching out into a community of people who are better equipped to understand what I’m going through than are the people around me. Maybe it’s purpose is to let anyone else who is struggling know that they are not alone.

Much love,

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