I have a therapy appointment every 2 weeks. My next appointment wasn’t supposed to be until Tuesday, the 6th of September. Things didn’t really work out that way though. The last week has been so difficult. My mood has been… Well, it hasn’t been “good.” On any given day I was feeling a combination of lonely, ignored, unimportant, sad, angry, hopeless, frustrated, restless, hurt, and anxious. I wanted to throw and break things. And 7 out of the last 9 days I have had self-harm urges. Not just thoughts, but actual urges. Somehow, through the use of skills I have learned in therapy, I managed to not throw and break things, not to lash out at people, and not to self-harm (even after a knife slipped and accidentally jabbed my leg last week, which was really triggering).
I am proud of myself for resisting those urges that would have made things worse for me in the long run. And I am very proud of myself for advocating for what I needed, in that I texted my therapist two days ago and asked for an additional appointment when we was next available. So, after texting back and forth we set up a session for earlier today. Just knowing I had an appointment today made the last two days more bearable.
When I finally got into my appointment I almost didn’t know what to say. Thankfully, my therapist has me keep daily diary cards, ranking emotions and whatnot, which gave me somewhere to start. I told her about some very triggering comments made inadvertently by my mom, and of some disappointed expectations in some other people.
When I stopped for a moment, my therapist completely validated my feelings (she is amazing at that) by pointing out that I have a lot of vulnerabilities right now, emotional and physical and environmental.
It makes it really hard to feel good when it seems like there are so many things affecting me in a negative way. Do you know what else? I keep find myself thinking (and writing in my journal) the following thoughts:
- “I can’t take much more of this”
- “I don’t know how much more of this I can take”
- “I can’t handle this shit”
I do my best to counteract and talk back to these types of thoughts. I tell myself that I can handle it. But let’s be honest, this shit is difficult! If we could think and will ourselves better, no one would struggle with depression. But that doesn’t mean it can’t help a bit. Thinking positively or at the very least talking back to these myths and lies our depression constantly whispers into our ears can help us keep going just long enough until something else breaks through, whether it’s medication starting to work, a change in circumstance, or an emotional realization. Every little healthy step helps.
So what did I need today?
I needed a therapy session with someone I trust, utilizing skills and planning out future problem-solving techniques.
What (healthy step/thing) do you need today?
It’s going to be different for everyone. What is important is that we don’t be afraid to use our voices and advocate for what we need!