So, it’s been 6 days since my last text-y post. And, actually, Sunday evening was an a light one for me. I hung out with my sister, her girlfriend, and my cousin. The day leading up to it was pretty blah, though. I’ve been feeling quite depressed. I was experiencing loneliness, I felt neglected, I was agitated, and couldn’t seem to just sit and focus on anything. It was getting to be pretty miserable. But then my cousin stopped by, and suddenly my sister and her girlfriend wanted to do things. I felt in the way, so when they went out to the hot tub I stayed inside, working on some art. Eventually I finished and ventured out and was encouraged to stay, so what the hell, I stayed. My mood was decent, we were chatting about random life things (my cousin told me she was so proud of how far I’ve come in the last few years), we ate some pizza (yes, I cheated on my doctor-ordered low-card diet), and were just enjoying ourselves.
At some point I declared, “I want to write a poem tonight.” After about an hour (I’m totally guessing on that), my cousin and sister went outside for a few minutes, my mood had started to fall, and I hung out inside. I was chatting with my sister’s girlfriend when suddenly the first line of a poem popped into my head. I have no idea where it came from, but I was hooked. Sadly, I’m sure I became terrible company for the next 5 minutes as I scooted over to my sister’s Mac computer, dried my hands off, and started typing away. What can I say? Inspiration struck and I dived in headfirst. 🙂
When my sister came back in I told her I wrote a poem(Which you can read here!). She eagerly started forward and said, “Oooh! I want to read it!” I held out my hand and cautioned her, “It’s dark.” She drew back slightly, looked at me in a slightly exasperated way, and said, “Why do you write dark poetry?” I feel like the unspoken question lingering behind that was, “Why do you write that when you’re already depressed?” She didn’t read my poem, but my cousin did. She’d never read any of my poetry before and when she finished she said, “That’s really good. Like, really good.” Before she gave me her reaction, while she was still reading, my bopped up and down and a short giggle escaped me. Then, I looked at my older sister and said, “This is why I write dark poems. Because I feel better afterwards.” As I said that, I felt a deep sense of contentment and rightness – I knew that what I just said was exactly right.
I have members of my family that do not like to read my poetry. I think, to them, it’s too dark. And honestly, I think it scares them sometimes. They do not like to be forced to realize that my mind gets “that dark.” That my depression has taken me to those places. But what they don’t understand is that poetry is… it’s art. It’s an escape. It’s a way to put into words that which I can’t find my voice for to say out loud. And usually, after finishing a poem, I breathe a sign of relief. Because poetry, for me, is a release.
Unfortunately, sometimes I feel so depressed I feel like I can’t do anything. Yesterday was one of those days. How I go from having a good night to having a day like yesterday I do not understand. I woke up feeling restless, antsy, and like I couldn’t relax – at all. I had planned on my sister helping me dye my hair (I dye my hair when I need a change) but that didn’t happen. I thought she’d be coming back after dinner – that didn’t happen. I had already been feeling lonely, depressed, agitated, etc., and these failed expectations felt compounded by my downward spiral of negative emotions. I hid up in my room for 4 hours, trying to sleep yet being unable to. I was thinking horrible things about everyone around me, including myself. I thought about calling several people:
- My therapist – it was just after calling hours
- My twin – she was reading an important contract
- My older sister – no answer
- Her girlfriend – driving; no answer
- My oldest sister – I didn’t think it would help
- My friend and old college roommate – no answer; busy driving home
- My other college friend – she has been avoiding me
- My mom – I tried but was so agitated I got angry
Gah! I was so upset. I was having self harm thoughts (which I did NOT act on), I wanted to break things, and I wanted to sleep. I felt like nothing was going to help me.
Then my twin calls me back.
She said she could hear in my voice earlier that I wasn’t doing too well. And so we talked. But best of all, she told me that after we had talked earlier in the day, she took a brief break from reading her contract and made me a video. She recorded a video of herself and sent it to me, saying I could never ever show another living soul this video. 🙂 She was absolutely the sweetest person. And you know what? Her video… it made me smile, it made me laugh, and it helped me to feel just a little bit better. And if you have ever struggled with depression, or are struggling now, you know just how precious “a little bit better” is. Every smile, every laugh, they need to be cherished.
So here is to every family member, friend, stranger, doctor, and therapist that has made the effort to make me smile, make me laugh, or make me feel better. Thank you so much. You are appreciated more than you will ever know.