A few nights ago, Sunday to be exact, I felt that I was in a bit of an emotional crisis. My mood had rapidly deteriorated over the course of the day and I was having very intense urges (not just thoughts) to self harm. I wasn’t originally going to write a post about this since I obliquely referenced it in this post, but then I realized I was really proud of myself. And I hope that by writing this I might inspire someone, anyone, to keep fighting.
So, here’s the journal entry I wrote right at the worst of it:
Sunday, August 21, 2016 6:52PM
I will not self-harm right now. I will not cut. I want to feel better, but that is not the way. It is not effective. I will feel worse long-term if I cut. I will not self-harm right now. I’m over a year clean and I can make it to 2 years. I will make it. But right now I will focus on making it through this minute, this hour, this evening. Remember my necklace: “Never Never Never Give Up.” Remember the positive bracelet [my twin] got me. Remember the tattoo I want to get to cover the scars on my wrist: “Never Quit.”
I don’t want more scars. Self-harming will not help me in the long run. I’m going to end this entry and I am going to do something: art, a game, something. Something positive and not harmful to myself.
I made it through and I did not self harm. It was hard, but writing the above entry (telling myself what I was NOT going to do and why instead of just writing about how much I wanted to cut and how miserable I was) helped so much. I had never tried something quite like that and I was surprised at just how effective it was. I felt really skillful and when I woke up the next morning I was so proud of myself.
Being a year clean doesn’t mean everything is magically better. It doesn’t mean we won’t ever struggle again or that we aren’t struggling now. It’s important for people to know that. What we can do is use all the skills, healthy coping mechanisms, and support we have built up over time to do our best and try to make it through. Because every moment we try is a victory. Every. Single. One.