I don’t know what this post is going to be about yet. It partly feels like a lamentation of not really being able to post on my blog consistently. I also feel the desire to rant about my depression officially rearing it’s ugly head and consuming my life. So I suppose, instead of planning a topic and trying to write it out, I’ll simply write whatever occurs to me… within reason anyways.
Quite a while ago, in therapy, I came to a realization that when I am productive and/or creative I usually do better, mentally speaking. And so, when I started noticing the warning signs of my depression about a month ago (staying up way too late, sudden “mood swings” where I feel depressed for a short while, finding it more difficult to feel pleasure in simple things, indecisiveness, etc.), I started trying to incorporate creativity into my day, or productivity. But as the last several weeks have progressed, things are not getting better. And now, over the last week (when I’ve been helping out a family member by watching their pets, reading books I love, journaling, and cleaning various things around the house), I have been feeling so depressed. I’ve been completely indecisive, wanting to isolate myself, and feeling on edge.
Earlier this evening I was depressed, unable to watch a favorite show, staring at nothing, suddenly angry and wanting to break things, and then I was in tears.
Maybe I’m having a short pity-party with this post. I find it so hard to comprehend how I’m supposed to feel better in the future for an extended period of time if I am unable to head off my depression now.
Although, in thinking back, it is important for me to realize that yes, I may be really depressed right now, but I have gotten so much worse in the past. Perhaps I really am progressing… a post for another time, I’m sure.