So… I haven’t written a post in quite some time.
Since I’ve last written there have been times when I’ve felt great and times when I’ve felt horrible. For a couple weeks in September I felt the worst I’ve ever felt in my life, including the times I checked myself into the hospital because I was having suicidal thoughts. In the process of coming off one of my meds suddenly, I experienced some physical withdrawal symptoms for about a week. In addition, I was no longer on a working anti-depressant and as many of you know, it can take several weeks for a new anti-depressant to start working. I was having serious suicidal thoughts and calling my therapist almost every day. Looking back, sometimes I have no idea how I managed to get though it all without (a) harming myself in any way and (b) having to check myself into the hospital. But I did manage. I called my friend. I called my therapist. And most importantly, when my therapist gave me suggestions (like using cold temperatures to lower my emotional intensity) I followed them. After a couple of weeks I started to improve.
For a few weeks I felt great. I worked outside for hours at a time in November, raking leaves and trimming back incredibly overgrown bushes. I felt like I was riding an emotional high. But then I found it so hard to find balance; instead of feeling simply content after feeling so happy, I started crashing. The holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) proved difficult for me. I know you hear all the time that many people struggle with the holiday season, feeling more depressed and such, but that has never been a problem for me. It definitely never was a problem before I became depressed. But this year I experienced anxiety, depression, sadness, feeling overwhelmed, and detached.
There always seems to be this struggle to stay content/happy/not depressed for an extended period of time. Family drama has not helped. Members of my family have either been going through a nasty divorce, breaking a bone, or ending up in the hospital.
Things started to stabilize (helped by me taking a new nutritional supplement that supposedly helps with depression) and a few weeks ago I started feeling really great again. For 2 weeks I was productive and incredibly content. I worked on my book again (which I haven’t worked on for over a year), I did some art, housework, and yard work. I felt great.
And Easter was my 1 year mark of being free from cutting. Yay!!! My dad even bought me an awesome necklace that I picked out to celebrate. I was super excited about it and slowly, leading up to the actual day, I told my friends and family about it. Weirdly though, I started feeling worse after the day passed. I think maybe the anticipation of making 1 year was so built up in my mind, that when I actually made it I didn’t really know what to do or how to react. This week I’ve had a very hard time adding pleasant events into my day, being productive, or creative. I’m hoping as time progresses I will be able to find that balance between feeling great and feeling horrible.