Actually Feeling Good

I slept horribly.  Again.  I don’t think I’ve slept through the night in over two straight weeks.  And I’ve been taking Melatonin at night!  Where is the justice?!  (Okay, that was a little over dramatic, I”ll admit…)  I got out of bed at noon (that’s been my norm lately, but let’s be honest, it’s much better than two or three and napping multiple times a day), ate some “breakfast,” then headed to the gym!  This is like the fourth day out of the last sixth day that I’ve gone to the gym, and it feels amazing!  Granted, my improved mood might also be due to the new medication I’ve been put on (which my psychiatrist increased my evening dose of yesterday), because I started working out around the same time I started going to the gym, but either way I am so happy that I have started working out.  Today I arrived at the gym just in time for the trainer on staff to announce that she was about to start the Cardio Circuit in 2 minutes and did I want to join?  I didn’t think I could do it but she encouraged me and so I did it.  30 minutes of alternating cardio and strength and… I DID IT!!!  I completed the circuit and only had to skip one machine due to my back pain.  I was so surprised that only one machine hurt my back, because my chronic back pain is severe and always hurts.  I was convinced everything was going to hurt me.  The trainer was really conscientious of my back pain and after we finished the circuit we worked on some arm strengthening for 15 minutes.

When I finished, for seven minutes I was on a water bed massager which felt amazing.  Part of my Black Card Membership at Planet Fitness!  It was a great way to wind down and relax all of my muscles, including the sore spots on my back.

I had therapy later in the day and it was great because I walked in, sat down, and had a huge smile on my face.  When my therapist asked me how I was doing I was thankfully able to honestly say, “Really good, actually.”  My therapist smiled in response and was really happy for me.  For most of the appointment we discussed how well I was doing and she mentioned that I should continue using my skills, even if I didn’t need to use them.  To stay in practice, she said, so that when I need to use skills I am not out of practice.

One important thing we touched on today was that I don’t like myself very much.  It wasn’t a secret.  I’ve known this for a while.  But working out helps, to a certain extent, improve my opinion of myself.  There’s this lie I was telling myself (that I figured out was a lie in session today): that I will like how I look if I get skinnier.  I didn’t like how I looked before when I was skinny, so why would I like how I look if I get skinnier in the future?  I definitely didn’t like myself before, so why would I like myself after?  There’s some definite mental work that needs to go on before I fully like myself, both in regards to how I look and in myself in general.  And you know what?  I will get there.  Eventually, with the help of my therapist and some hard work, I will get there.

I left therapy in high spirits and that good mood has continued throughout the day.  I am so excited for what the future holds for me right now and just saying that is a huge step forward!  A couple weeks ago I definitely was not excited about the future.  Even though I know there will be rough patches, I can’t wait to continue getting better!  ❤


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