Therapy, to me, is usually comforting. At least the thought of it almost always is. Today was rough, though. I’m feeling more on the depressed side and was trying to find a way to describe how I was feeling to my therapist. At first I wasn’t communicating very clearly. She was obviously listening, as she was able to repeat what I said back to me, but what I was saying wasn’t getting the message I wanted to convey across. Finally I used today as an example. Even now I can’t remember what it is that I said, exactly. My memory really is atrocious.
I’m having a hard time concentrating today. My mood is very low and on the way to therapy I thought of self harm, and wasn’t averse to the thought of doing it. It was just a thought, not an urge, but it is thoughts like that that make life difficult. I’m not suicidal, but when I’m constantly having negative thoughts (like the one I just mentioned) it makes just being hard. Being alive is hard work and sometimes I just don’t want to be. Again let me clarify that I am not suicidal, I’m just conscious of the fact that life it really hard at times. Just existing becomes hard work.
I feel as if I’m standing on a precipice, a great chasm extending down by my feet. At times I feel as if I’m free falling into my depression and I’m helpless. At times I feel that I am close to despair. Aghhh!!! Even now, I’m not explaining it the way that I did in therapy. I think I reached a very emotional place in therapy (I started crying a bit) and it’s hard for me to get back to that place or even remember what I said!
The point is, describing how you’re feeling when you’re depressed can be really difficult! I found myself using a lot of metaphors in therapy today. All I know is that I’ve continued feeling low and emotionally exhausted as well. It did help a bit to explain to my therapist how I was feeling though because she validated how I’m feeling. Validation is SO important!