Describing Depression

Therapy, to me, is usually comforting.  At least the thought of it almost always is.  Today was rough, though.  I’m feeling more on the depressed side and was trying to find a way to describe how I was feeling to my therapist.  At first I wasn’t communicating very clearly.  She was obviously listening, as she was able to repeat what I said back to me, but what I was saying wasn’t getting the message I wanted to convey across.  Finally I used today as an example.  Even now I can’t remember what it is that I said, exactly.  My memory really is atrocious.

I’m having a hard time concentrating today.  My mood is very low and on the way to therapy I thought of self harm, and wasn’t averse to the thought of doing it.  It was just a thought, not an urge, but it is thoughts like that that make life difficult.  I’m not suicidal, but when I’m constantly having negative thoughts (like the one I just mentioned) it makes just being hard.  Being alive is hard work and sometimes I just don’t want to be.  Again let me clarify that I am not suicidal, I’m just conscious of the fact that life it really hard at times.  Just existing becomes hard work.

I feel as if I’m standing on a precipice, a great chasm extending down by my feet.  At times I feel as if I’m free falling into my depression and I’m helpless.  At times I feel that I am close to despair.  Aghhh!!!  Even now, I’m not explaining it the way that I did in therapy.  I think I reached a very emotional place in therapy (I started crying a bit) and it’s hard for me to get back to that place or even remember what I said!

The point is, describing how you’re feeling when you’re depressed can be really difficult!  I found myself using a lot of metaphors in therapy today.  All I know is that I’ve continued feeling low and emotionally exhausted as well.  It did help a bit to explain to my therapist how I was feeling though because she validated how I’m feeling.  Validation is SO important!

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