Life of a Journaler

Why Does Feeling Better Feel So Wrong?

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The past day or two I have been feeling better.  Not “I’m 100%, dancing in the stars fantastic,” but better than I have been the last couple of weeks.  The urges to self harm have been virtually non-existent yesterday and today, even though the thoughts have occasionally meandered through my mind.  I’ve been a bit more active, as well.  Not only did I have a phone interview today, but I also helped babysit for my baby and younger cousins.

All day today I’ve been in this “blah” state.  I haven’t had intrusive thoughts of cutting, yet part of me longs to have them.  I’m making myself think about it because I almost feel a fear, a fear born from not having those urges.  It’s strange and I don’t like it.  Why do I have this fear of getting better?  Because that’s what this boils down to. Being afraid of getting better.  Maybe that’s why I’m not excited about my job phone interview that I had today or the test for a job next week.  Instead of excitement, I’m feeling fear.

So I’m left asking myself, “Why does feeling better feel so wrong?”

6 responses to “Why Does Feeling Better Feel So Wrong?”

  1. Have you seen Chris? Avatar
    Have you seen Chris?

    Is it possible we start to like the loathing and the sluggishness. The knowing we will spend half the day in bed and the other half mindlessly staring at a wall? The thought of productivity becomes almost intimidating, scary.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Melissa Avatar
      Melissa

      It does become a scary thought. It becomes, “Who am I without depression? What if I act the same? What if I’m actually a lazy, uncaring person and my depression had nothing to do with it?” Like you said… scary.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. Have you seen Chris? Avatar
        Have you seen Chris?

        Hence: Looking for Chris 🙂

        Like

  2. staystrong10 Avatar
    staystrong10

    Most likely, it’s because it’s change. You don’t know how it’ll go, what it’ll be like. Believe me, it’s worth it. The things you feel when you start getting better are amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Melissa Avatar
      Melissa

      Sometimes I believe that and it’s not too hard to do so. Other times it’s so hard.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. staystrong10 Avatar
        staystrong10

        I understand. It takes time to get out of this. You’ll get there!

        Liked by 1 person

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