The past day or two I have been feeling better. Not “I’m 100%, dancing in the stars fantastic,” but better than I have been the last couple of weeks. The urges to self harm have been virtually non-existent yesterday and today, even though the thoughts have occasionally meandered through my mind. I’ve been a bit more active, as well. Not only did I have a phone interview today, but I also helped babysit for my baby and younger cousins.
All day today I’ve been in this “blah” state. I haven’t had intrusive thoughts of cutting, yet part of me longs to have them. I’m making myself think about it because I almost feel a fear, a fear born from not having those urges. It’s strange and I don’t like it. Why do I have this fear of getting better? Because that’s what this boils down to. Being afraid of getting better. Maybe that’s why I’m not excited about my job phone interview that I had today or the test for a job next week. Instead of excitement, I’m feeling fear.
So I’m left asking myself, “Why does feeling better feel so wrong?”