Why Does Feeling Better Feel So Wrong?

The past day or two I have been feeling better.  Not “I’m 100%, dancing in the stars fantastic,” but better than I have been the last couple of weeks.  The urges to self harm have been virtually non-existent yesterday and today, even though the thoughts have occasionally meandered through my mind.  I’ve been a bit more active, as well.  Not only did I have a phone interview today, but I also helped babysit for my baby and younger cousins.

All day today I’ve been in this “blah” state.  I haven’t had intrusive thoughts of cutting, yet part of me longs to have them.  I’m making myself think about it because I almost feel a fear, a fear born from not having those urges.  It’s strange and I don’t like it.  Why do I have this fear of getting better?  Because that’s what this boils down to. Being afraid of getting better.  Maybe that’s why I’m not excited about my job phone interview that I had today or the test for a job next week.  Instead of excitement, I’m feeling fear.

So I’m left asking myself, “Why does feeling better feel so wrong?”

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6 thoughts on “Why Does Feeling Better Feel So Wrong?

    1. It does become a scary thought. It becomes, “Who am I without depression? What if I act the same? What if I’m actually a lazy, uncaring person and my depression had nothing to do with it?” Like you said… scary.

      Liked by 1 person

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