Last Night’s Diary Entry

I’ve been writing in diaries (journals) since my sophomore year of high school, so for what like 7 years now? I’m currently on my 8th journal, so I’ve averaged just over 1 journal per year.  At times I stop writing for a while, but for the last week or so I have rededicated myself to writing in my journal every night.  I write about various things, such as my day in general, my emotions, and sometimes about things going on in the world (although not too often).  Something I was writing about last night has stuck with me, so I decided to copy last night’s journal entry into this post.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

12:33am

So, today – Tuesday – was actually not a bad day.  It didn’t start off very promising – I overslept until 1pm and mom was gone for the day.  I called [my friend] and we talked for a while – she’s just getting her voice back but it was so great to talk to her. We hadn’t talked in a week or two. At any rate, I vented about my life and she was patient and kind, listening to me.  I made it all day without taking a nap.  Around 4pm [my older sister] called me and invited me to come down to [a restaurant] (where [her best friend is] working) to get food.  I got to see [them both] & I sat at the bar and ate delicious food.  By the time I got back home mom was there. We hung out for a while & then a couple hours later mom and I went out to eat, where we got steak.  When we got home I played more of The Sims 4 (noticing a common theme for my time?) and now I’m sitting back in bed, with mom sitting at the end of my bed, getting ready to read to me.  I also purchased a plane ticket to fly down to Daytona Beach Airport on Monday, July 6 from [the] airport [nearby].  I am excited about going.

I feel weird.  Slightly happy about my day, because I stayed awake and because I was active, but I also feel reserved, as if my mind is saying, “wait, you’re feeling the slightest bit happy?! Oh no! Stop right there! Not allowed! Feel crappy – ready, set, go!” I almost don’t want to go to sleep.  Oh, the irony!  All I want to do all day, every day, is sleep and NOW I don’t want to go to sleep.  I think I’m scared I’ll wake up tomorrow feeling like crap and not wanting to do anything again.  AGHHHHHhhhhhhh!

1:20am

Mom just finished reading me a chapter and now she’s off to bed.  I love having her read to me – her voice is so soft and expressive.

Normally, I would try to go straight to sleep after she finishes reading to me, but I’m just not feeling it right now.  Like I said earlier: I feel weird.

Mom, [my aunts], & Grandma are leaving tomorrow morning – heading down to Florida […] I’m excited for when I go down to join them.

What am I feeling right now.

Angry? No.

Happy? A little.

Actually, I am feeling frustrated right now. I also am feeling sad, I think.  I am definitely feeling sad right now. Now the real question is why am I sad or what am I sad about?

Sometimes I feel that these “good” days are devastating. It’s like a tease.  I’m miserable so much of the time. Then life comes along and says, “Here, have a good day – have some happiness!” The happiness feels good – it’s almost like a shock to the system. Then, just when you let yourself fully enjoy it, just when you accept it – BAM! Life says, “just kidding! Be depressed again!” & you’re back to where you were before, only now it feels worse.  It’s gotten to the point where I don’t let myself fully enjoy or accept those days.  In fact, it’s starting to get to the point where I stop hoping for good days.  In fact, I’m starting to hope that I don’t have good days, because I don’t want to feel devastated anymore! How messed up is that?! It just goes to show what a bitch depression is.  It is absolutely terrible!  I hate depression so much, and yet, like many people, I hold tightly to it.  It’s familiar.

I need to stop this.

need to start wanting to be better. I need to get better.

Please,

let there be more good days & let me learn to appreciate them, not hide from the pain of contrast.

*I deserve to be happy

*I can get better

*I deserve to be happy

*I can get better

*I deserve to be happy

*I can get better

*I deserve to be happy

I forgot to take my Melatonin until RIGHT NOW. So maybe now I’ll be more likely to fall asleep.  Now I want to sleep.

This, for real, was my journal entry from last night, with just a few things like location and stuff edited out.  I find myself in a dilemma where I am afraid to let myself be happy, to experience the good days.  To use a common phrase, it’s like I’m “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”  Let me just say from experience that that is a horrible way to live life.  It’s like you’re constantly walking around on eggshells but instead of this being in regards to another person, it’s in regards to yourself.  That’s why, at the end of my journal entry, I kept writing out my challenges to my emotional myths, the myths being that I don’t deserve to be happy and that I will never get better.  That’s what is important: CHALLENGING those myths.

And for the record, I did have another good day today.

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