One of the most important things you lose sight of when your depressed is your true self. The you that exists without the constant interruption of negativity and invalidating thoughts assaulting your mind. It’s hard for me to remember that me sometimes. Did I really used to laugh and smile effortlessly? Did there used to be days, weeks (maybe even longer periods of time) where I didn’t sink into a deep depression (or even a mild depression), thinking of self harm, suicide, or just having negative thoughts? For the longest time, it has been hard for me to even try to imagine this version of myself. Until now.
In recent days this version of myself has started to emerge. I think it has to do, in large part, with me coming off a lot of my psychiatric medications. Ever since I’ve come off most of them I’ve noticed a huge shift in my personality. My energy levels have risen, and I’ve found that my laughter and smiles come much easier now because of it. Instead of feeling a monotonous dull, flat emotion that is somewhat akin to apathy, I am now feeling what seems to be more appropriate ups and downs during the days. Yes, I am even happy for the downs. They’re not always severe and inappropriate to the current situation like they have been in the past. Now, it’s like I’m experiencing mood swings that are appropriate… most of the time. Hey, I’m not perfect, I still get really down or angry about some things that I could probably handle in a better way.
At times it feels like I have to “re-learn” how to react to some of these strong emotions that I haven’t felt in such a long time. It’s a wonderful adventurous roller coaster that I’m scared of and excited for. My sense of fun is coming back too. Maybe it’s all tied to having higher energy levels, maybe it’s because I am no longer on a mood stabilizer, or maybe it’s for some other reason, but I could have even been seen dancing (which I almost NEVER do), laughing, and singing last night at a party for my dad’s birthday. That’s an example of something else I’ve been doing more of lately – getting out of the house. (One of the hardest things to do when you’re feeling depressed.) Just this week I’ve been to a park, a bonfire, and a bar/restaurant for a party (my dad’s bday). I don’t know about you, but for me that’s a lot in one week!
One of the best things about feeling more like the “old” me (although in reality I can never go back to how I used to be – I’m building a NEW me) is that I am reading again. Oh I love to read. I used to read a book every day or every other day. When I was depressed I barely read at all. I think I only read like 21 books in the entire year of 2014. That is not very many for me. And we’re already 6 months into 2015 and I’ve only read 5 books. What. Is. Happening?!
All I know is that now I’m reading away, buying new books and enjoying my time! I can’t wait for more parts of the new me to emerge! I’m excited to see who I am becoming! ❤