For so long I have been hiding. Hiding from others, from myself, and my own emotions. Now that I’m starting to come out of the woodwork, so to speak, I’m having to experience confrontations in an entirely new way. A couple weeks ago I would have just shut down. Maybe I would have sobbed and cried and finally just stopped caring. Not this time.
I was having an attitude. I knew it. I could hear the anger, frustration, and “I don’t care” attitude dripping off every word that came out of my mouth towards my mom, when all she wanted was some information so that she could help me out later today. What I didn’t expect, however, was one of my family members making a comment along the lines of, “and that’s someone who needs a ride?” and then walking out of the room. I admit it – I’m not sure if that’s entirely what she said. What I wasn’t prepared for was the intensity of my reaction. I was PISSED. I was so angry and hurt. I asked my sister to pause the show we were watching, I went upstairs, and slammed my door shut. Then I proceeded to cry, call my sister and mom on the phone and have them come upstairs. After ranting to my sister, I apologized to my mom and they both sat with me while I tried to calm myself down. I told myself that it was okay for me to be this upset – my emotions were valid for sure, but that there were outside factors affecting the intensity of my reaction. I’m on my period. I’m off a lot of medications. I have barely been sleeping. All good things to keep in mind.
Later I found out that my family member who made the comment was already upset with me for a comment I made that was “cruel” in her eyes. Earlier she wanted a hug and I told her no, that I couldn’t hug her. But then I turned around and gave my twin sister a hug right in front of her. I wasn’t trying to be rude or cruel, but sometimes I just cannot handle physical contact with certain people. At times it feels as if people who want to hug me just care too much. Like their hugs have too much emotion behind them. I can’t handle it. Does that make any kind of sense? I know it sounds confusing. And that’s not the reason every time I don’t want to touch someone either, but sometimes it just all feels like too much. Even just writing this makes me feel like crying and I don’t understand it. I think that family member understands know, that it wasn’t anything personally against her. I think it is clear that my intentions were never bad, at least I hope she sees that.
I called one of my best friends, Amanda, after all this happened and cried a bit to her. I was just so overwhelmed by all of these emotions that I am feeling. I literally feel so emotionally vulnerable that I don’t know how to handle it. But I have to handle it. I don’t have another good, healthy choice. I’m just going to have to be very aware of my circumstances surrounding any given emotional event and I am going to have to be open to feeling my emotions and working through them in healthy and effective ways. Like thinking and talking things out. Who knows, if I’m still upset about this tomorrow, maybe I’ll call my therapist.