It’s been a month since I’ve written last. This past month has been really difficult for me to get through. I felt so depressed and emotionally exhausted that I couldn’t even write. I couldn’t really do anything, to be honest. I had reached, what my therapist calls, a breaking point. As far as my goals from the last post I wrote, the only one I have been working on is updating my inspiration journal. It’s been incredibly helpful to read what others write in it. It’s always encouraging or simply validating.
Anyways, this past month… Well, I was already struggling pretty badly. I had reached one of these “breaking points” while I was staying at my eldest sister’s place. I had committed to helping her with something and, when the time came, I couldn’t do it. I did try, so hard. I just wasn’t able to force myself to do it. I was not capable of following through at that time. I felt awful. Every single night I didn’t follow through on that commitment I thought horrible things about myself. I told myself that I was a terrible person, that I was lazy, that I hated myself, that I hated my life, that I was despicable. Did that help me at all? No.
A few days later I found out that my sister was really angry with me. I couldn’t handle that. I had never had anyone be that angry with me, nor had I had them be angry with me for so long. For almost three weeks she refused to talk to me or see me. She didn’t want me texting or calling her. I was suffering big time. I was calling my therapist a few times a week, in addition to regular appointments, and I also had to set up two additional appointments during that time. I understood where her anger was coming from, but I didn’t (and still don’t) understand the magnitude of it or the duration of it. I do know that she was also dealing with depression and was under a tremendous amount of stress. I was crying virtually every day. After talking with my therapist so often, I started to try to practice some Radical Acceptance and Turning the Mind. Let me tell you, it is so hard to practice this. I just had to really accept the fact that she was angry at me and there was nothing I could currently do about it. I needed to try to stop torturing myself but ruminating on it all the time. Every time I started to ruminate on it again, I had to turn my mind back to radical acceptance.
Mother’s Day was fantastic. Not only did I get to spend the day with my mother and grandmother, I also got to see this sister for the first time. I panicked when I found out she was coming over. I didn’t know whether to confront her or pretend it didn’t happen. I called my therapist again and I decided that Mother’s Day was not the day to have that discussion. So, once again, I had to pull out my radical acceptance and turning the mind skills. This time it was much easier. I told her that today was not the day, but that soon I would want to talk with her. The day was great.
I spent the next week at one of my other sisters’ apartment. The first few days were great. I don’t know if that was a result of my meds being tweaked the week before or if it was because I finally got to see and talk to my eldest sister, all I know is that those few days were great. I met a new friend and got to hang out with Mary the whole time. But as the evenings rolled around and the end of the week came closer, I began to feel very depressed. I had self harm and suicidal thoughts and I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to stay on the couch with my computer, playing games and watching shows.
This week, with the encouragement of my family and the approval of my psychiatrist, I am starting to come off of all my psychiatric medications. Well, almost all of them. We’re cutting the doses of all but one of my medications in half. The remaining medication I am staying on. With the exception of that remaining medication, I should be off of all my medications in two weeks! I’m so hoping this works and I start feeling better instead of worse. All I know is that Mary offered to let me stay with her and she’ll be with me 24/7 if I need it while I’m adjusting to being off of my medication. I started halving my medications last night and this morning so… here I go.