So, about an hour ago I was watching the third Night at the Museum movie. Maybe it’s because I’m still a bit depressed and my emotions are all over the place, maybe it’s because it was the first time I watched a Robin Williams movie since he died, I don’t know. All I know is that at certain parts of the movie I just started crying. Sometimes it was at obvious parts,
like when it seemed like everyone was dying. But it was other parts too. Whenever Robin Williams’ character said certain things that sounded like goodbyes, I started to tear up. Because to me it wasn’t just his character saying goodbye or saying things that could be interpreted as goodbye, it was Robin Williams himself expressing his longing to leave, his acceptance of leaving.
This all leads me to think of one thing, and I’m sure most of you know what I’m thinking about: his suicide. I never really felt sad about his suicide before, mainly because I was too depressed myself, at the time, to emotionally feel things for others. It just never bothered me. But now I feel it. Seeing him alive and well in the movie was just a slap-in-the-face reminder of what happened. It just makes me think: if seeing him alive in a movie was hard for me, just some random person that never knew him, what must it be like for his friends and family? In fact, their memories alone and photos of him must be just as hard for them to see and experience. Because each and every memory and photo is just a sad reminder that he’s not there.
I’ve been suicidal before. I came very close to attempting back in June of 2014. I didn’t though – I basically just drove myself to the hospital the next day. It took me a couple of days before the desire to not want to be alive went away. My family was concerned, and some of them were angry at me for just having the thought of taking myself away from them, yet I still didn’t really understand how bad it would be for them. I’ll probably never be able to grasp it. I can try to understand but I don’t think it’s really possible. But this movie and my reaction to it gave me some not-so-subtle reminders of how my family might feel if I killed myself. Every photo, every video, every memory would be a painful reminder that I’m not there anymore. If I had such an emotional reaction to seeing Robin Williams, someone I’ve never even met and didn’t have an emotional reaction to, what kind of impact would my death have on those I know? My friends? My family?
It was an eye opening experience to say the least.