Recovery Isn’t Always Easy

You know, I used to be in a really bad place.  I was cutting, suicidal, apathetic, doing nothing with my life, and just wanting to cry all the time.  It was very dire and serious.  Now I am doing so much better.  Yet I feel that everyone will compare me to how I used to be and therefore will not take my current problems as seriously.  Even though I am doing a lot better, that does NOT mean that I am not still struggling. I need people to appreciate that fact.  That’s something I was talking about in therapy the other day, actually.

Recovery is hard.  It is not always an upward trend.  It can feel like an uphill battle at times.  Everything will not be super great all the time.  There will be moments or days when things feel like they used to.  It’s just managing those moments and days that is important.  This past month has been up and down for me, and it seems to continue going down.  Last night was a terrible day for me.  I felt awful.  I even wrote the following in my computer journal:

Monday 3/16/15

 I’m feeling really depressed today.  That doesn’t even feel like a strong enough word to me.  I hate how I’m feeling.  I feel incredibly lonely and don’t want to do anything.  I played Rise of Nations with my twin for a couple hours but for the rest of the time (and even partly while playing) I just felt kind of… numb… I think.  I just have to deeply sigh all the time and nothing really sounds appealing in any sense of the word.  After I ate breakfast I didn’t really want to do anything for food just because no one wanted to go out to dinner with me.  So I just would rather not eat than do something else. (I did go eat though.) I also had to figure out what I wanted to do for the evening.  I was trying to decide between my older sister’s, Mom’s, and Grandma’s (where I was).  I was so indecisive it was ridiculous.  I’ve been so down and not knowing what to do that I had serious urges to cut – I didn’t though.  I have been crying very easily and feel very co-dependent right now.  All I want to do is just sleep, but now that it’s after 11pm I don’t know if I want to sleep because I really don’t want to have to wake up for tomorrow.  I know that’s not how it works… I just don’t know.  I feel angry with my older sister.  I feel that she doesn’t care how I feel when I’m depressed.

I did not know what to do yesterday.  It seemed that nothing was making me feel better.  And when my oldest sister (I went to her house) started talking about me getting a job I got even more overwhelmed and started crying again.  The solution?  Chocolate ice cream.  Normally I do not eat to make myself feel better, but I’m not gonna lie, that chocolate ice cream really hit the spot.  Combined with a late night game of Catan I started to feel a bit better.

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4 thoughts on “Recovery Isn’t Always Easy

  1. I really love how open you are and how I feel that we share the same beliefs on this topic. People don’t understand or attempt to understand how you feel. And something that happened 10 minutes, 10 days, 10 months or 10 years ago is still brought up, no matter how much progress you have made. I hope that one day people can see how their judgement affects others so that they may learn to be more understanding! Best of wishes with your recovery!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your wishes of well being! And thank you – I try to be as open and honest as I can be, I find that other people respond better when things aren’t kept hidden. Plus, I think people can relate more.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Emotional challenges don’t get nearly the attention physical challenges do. If someone loses their legs, no one ever assumes living life in a wheelchair is easy and normal and they should just get used to it and stop bothering people with their problems. No one would dream of it. Emotional struggles, though, are invisible. The only way I’ve found to make them visible is to get them out of my head and onto paper. The thoughts are real, the struggles are constant. Until our culture stops sweeping emotional and mental hardships under the carpet, we must be the voice. Keep writing. Through bad days and good days, our voice needs to be heard. My prayer for you is that your hope will be full of peace and contentment and forgiveness for those who cannot understand. My prayer for you is that the encouragement you receive will help you hold on; that it will see you through another day.

    Liked by 1 person

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