You know, I used to be in a really bad place. I was cutting, suicidal, apathetic, doing nothing with my life, and just wanting to cry all the time. It was very dire and serious. Now I am doing so much better. Yet I feel that everyone will compare me to how I used to be and therefore will not take my current problems as seriously. Even though I am doing a lot better, that does NOT mean that I am not still struggling. I need people to appreciate that fact. That’s something I was talking about in therapy the other day, actually.
Recovery is hard. It is not always an upward trend. It can feel like an uphill battle at times. Everything will not be super great all the time. There will be moments or days when things feel like they used to. It’s just managing those moments and days that is important. This past month has been up and down for me, and it seems to continue going down. Last night was a terrible day for me. I felt awful. I even wrote the following in my computer journal:
I’m feeling really depressed today. That doesn’t even feel like a strong enough word to me. I hate how I’m feeling. I feel incredibly lonely and don’t want to do anything. I played Rise of Nations with my twin for a couple hours but for the rest of the time (and even partly while playing) I just felt kind of… numb… I think. I just have to deeply sigh all the time and nothing really sounds appealing in any sense of the word. After I ate breakfast I didn’t really want to do anything for food just because no one wanted to go out to dinner with me. So I just would rather not eat than do something else. (I did go eat though.) I also had to figure out what I wanted to do for the evening. I was trying to decide between my older sister’s, Mom’s, and Grandma’s (where I was). I was so indecisive it was ridiculous. I’ve been so down and not knowing what to do that I had serious urges to cut – I didn’t though. I have been crying very easily and feel very co-dependent right now. All I want to do is just sleep, but now that it’s after 11pm I don’t know if I want to sleep because I really don’t want to have to wake up for tomorrow. I know that’s not how it works… I just don’t know. I feel angry with my older sister. I feel that she doesn’t care how I feel when I’m depressed.
I did not know what to do yesterday. It seemed that nothing was making me feel better. And when my oldest sister (I went to her house) started talking about me getting a job I got even more overwhelmed and started crying again. The solution? Chocolate ice cream. Normally I do not eat to make myself feel better, but I’m not gonna lie, that chocolate ice cream really hit the spot. Combined with a late night game of Catan I started to feel a bit better.