Sounds pretty boring right? I mean, you don’t even know me, so why would you want to read about the history of the life of me? I probably could have come up with a better subject, but since this is my first chance to interact with you, I thought… why not?
I was born on a cold fall night in the year of 1992…
Okay, maybe that’s not the right way to start…
Hello everyone! My name is Melissa. I’m 22 years old and currently live in Michigan, USA. I was hoping to be able to say that I’m a college graduate, but sadly I’m not because of one outstanding Incomplete. I’m 2 credits short! But this isn’t about my college career… at least not really. This story is about my college years, but more about what happened to me in those four years.
DEATH. Not my death, obviously. I hope you weren’t confused. 🙂 No, the summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year, on July 15, 2011, one of the most important people in my life died. He meant so much to me and it was a complete shock. I’m always the type of person who likes to be strong for other people, so when he died I put my emotions on hold to deal with his wife (my sister) and his son (my nephew). I basically turned my emotions off. I didn’t want to feel the pain, because I thought that pain would break me, so I decided not to. If it sounds cool, trust me, it isn’t.
DEPRESSION. My depression. It started soon after he died and continued and continued and continued. I’ve been constantly dealing with depression since then, and it’s 2015! That’s 3 1/2 years. It’s exhausting just to think about it really.
MY DEPRESSION SIDE EFFECTS.
- Loss of interest in everything
- Hating my life
- Emotional roller coaster
- Suicidal thoughts
- Hospital stays (4 of them)
- No motivation
- Loss of appetite
- Weight loss and then gain
- Many, many more
A NEW DIAGNOSIS. A little over a year ago I was given a new diagnosis, one that I really didn’t believe in at first: Borderline Personality Disorder. If you don’t know, here are the symptoms of BPD:
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
- Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
- Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
- Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
- Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms
I don’t have all of these symptoms, but I do have (I believe) 7/9.
STARTING TO RECOVER. I began my “real” recovery process, as I see it, in January of 2014. Yes I’d been to therapy before, yes I was trying before, but I don’t think I had the right resources until that time. I started Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). If you haven’t heard of it, it’s amazing. You should look it up. I entered a year long commitment of going to group therapy and individual therapy each once a week. I’ve laughed, cried, been angry, anxious, and more. It’s been almost a year since I started group (February 2014) and over a year since I started individual therapy and I feel so much more equipped to deal with my life. The DBT skills I have learned have helped me understand and have more control over not only my depression, but my BPD as well.
- Time since I cut last: Over 9 months
- Time since I purged last: Over 4 months
- Time since I was in the hospital last: Over 7 months